Do I have dyslexia, or am I just retarded, lazy, and a horrible person?

I don't think you have dyslexia because your problems are with reading comprehension, not reading itself. Your difficulties with attention and impulse control suggest ADHD - you can have that without being aggressive or dominating conversations. Trouble figuring out what people are saying sounds like auditory processing disorder. It's possible to have issues with auditory processing without having full-blown APD.